Revision for Support Group

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Support Group

“Hello. Okay, yes. Okay. All right. My name is…it’s Jules and it was 1996 and I was eleven years old when I first discovered masturbation by rubbing my wiener on the side of a couch cushion. Well, actually, I guess, technically I wasn’t rubbing, but more like banging, I think. It still…it worked though.

“I know I shouldn’t be here just for that, but…and I really need to unload right now. I’m kind of desperate for...I don’t know. Something. But I think you all will appreciate what I have to say.

“It was summer and my parents were out working. My friends were over and it was too hot to do anything outside so we just turned on the TV and started watching whatever was on. I’m pretty sure it was some cartoon. That’s all we liked. Kris was in my dad’s recliner and about to fall asleep and Martin was sitting on the floor because I was taking up the whole couch. A really pretty lady came on during a yogurt commercial and…Well, I don’t know why a yogurt commercial with a really pretty lady was on a TV channel for kids, but it was there. She would lick the spoon like…She was really pretty, though. That’s the main point. She had… so…yeah, so me being the funny one of the group said…well I said…Jesus this was embarrassing. I said, ‘This is what I want to do to her,’ and I lay on my stomach and started to raise my butt up in the air and back down to the couch.

“I guess that’s what I thought sex was back then. Just boys banging their wiener over and over on a girl’s vagina. God, I felt so embarrassed. I was really stupid.

“Anyway…anyway, yeah, Martin started to laugh and Kris started to liven up. Martin wanted to play along with my joke so he started to pretend to be the woman, started to speak in a really high falsetto voice saying…okay he was saying stuff like…Christ, like, ‘Yeah, yeah. Do me. Do me, Jules. You’re so good at having sex.’

“Man, I should have known better. God damn it. Sorry, I’m just…this is hard. It’s my first time and I’ve never tried… It feels good in a way though. You see my hand shaking? I have problems, I know. It’s just…some worse than others. Sorry, I’m not keeping on topic. I can’t pay attention. I annoy people that way. Sorry.

“So, yeah, I don’t know how it happened, but banging my wiener on the couch started to feel really good so I kept going and I started to really think the lady was talking to me. And it started to feel even better and I could hear the lady’s real voice and I guess…I could see her whole…well you all know all that stuff. Jesus.

“So when it happened I was breathing really hard and I yelled out ‘Oh’ and I opened my eyes and saw that Kris and Martin were looking at me like I was some crazy person. Oh man. I can see them just staring at me now. I was so fucking stupid. It was like they knew what had happened but didn’t know any of the specifics. I don’t know. Like…like, I don’t know. Like I had just pooped on the carpet. I can’t describe it well. Man, I’m not very good at these things aren’t I.

“Okay.

“I saw their faces and I understood that something unnatural had just happened the way they were looking at me and I didn’t know what else to do so I dragged myself to the floor holding onto my wiener between my legs and I got into the fetal position and groaned. I told them that I had hit my wiener hard on a solid part of the couch and not the cushion so they started to laugh again and watch the cartoon on the TV. We didn’t see each other for a long time after that. I’m a bad actor, I guess.

“Ten minutes passed after my orgasm, I know it was that now, and I went to the bathroom and looked in my pants and saw what it was, you know. I had no clue…I was a sheltered kid. A kid who didn’t know things like that. And we never learned about that stuff in school. I was a late bloomer, as they say, I guess. I thought the stuff in my underwear and all over my… and I know what it is now, was rotten and moldy pee. Like something inside my body was rotting and wrong and unnatural.

“I threw my underwear deep in the cabinet under the sink and they might still be there for all I know.

“Even though I felt that something was wrong with me, I still tried to…I started to masturbate a lot. I just knew it was wrong. There was no internet back then and no one ever told me about all of this stuff. I thought I was diseased. I thought I was weird and gross but I still did it. I still did it and I felt worse every time I did it. I mean, that’s a given. Its stuff like that that’s the reason we’re all here, right? You all know what I mean.

“I did a lot of really silly and stupid things to have an orgasm. I once just humped the ground in my back yard. And I used to climb trees and hump the branches that could hold me. I made a lot of birds leave their homes. I remember a nest fell on the ground once and when I finished I climbed down from the tree and picked it up. The eggs inside had broken and was all over the ground and I remember it looking like what was in my pants a little…I felt so bad that day. Shit. Shit. I still did it in the trees after that, though.

“And…god, I’m sure someone had seen me do it in those trees. Someone in the neighborhood. Someone from school. It might have been Jack from across the street. I did it in winter, too. There weren’t any leaves to cover me up and I’m sure he saw me do it. This one time when I was in…I was probably in seventh grade at that point. I saw a table with a group of eight other kids and Jack was with them. I walked over with my tray and…they must’ve known that I did it in the trees. Jack must’ve told them about me. Said that I was gross and weird and stupid or something. I sat down next to them and they all stopped talking and looked at me just like Kris and Martin did when I first…they looked at me and I didn’t know what was happening. I just kept thinking they know they know.  They all picked up their trays and left and sat at another table. All I did was watch them as they walked away and started talking again and laughing and…and I just sat there thinking they know they know and I’m awful and weird and what’s wrong with me and then I couldn’t eat my pizza after that. And then I went into the bathroom and…well I did it in there.

“Other stuff happened, too. I was made fun of in school for a very long time and I just know it’s because they all knew about me humping those trees. I can see why they did it though. Kids always punish the weird ones for being weird. I admit I was weird and had problems.

 “But even though everyone hated me, I still did it. I didn’t try and stop. I just couldn’t. I graduated from trees and I…well I, you know, I would pretend to have sex with a pillow. I would take the pillow case off then start humping the pillow in my bed. I never told my parents about the rotten… I never thought about the sound I was making…it must have been really loud. I even asked them if I could keep their body pillow. I sometimes wonder why they didn’t say anything to me. They must’ve known about all of my…I mean, I guess we never really talked to each other that much. I never told them I was picked on at school and they never told me about anything, really. They thought they had raised the most disappointing kid, I’m sure. Looking back I guess I didn’t want to validate what they were thinking is why I never said anything to them about my problem. I’m not going to be a disappointment for long though. I’m here to help. I’m here to help you guys.

“Okay, sorry for tearing up.

 “Okay. I’m sorry, I know I’m taking up everyone’s time, but I have just a little bit more to say. I know. I know. But please. You’ll all learn from me.

“So, yes. Okay. I was caught once. By my cousin. I was around twelve or thirteen and she was like sixteen, seventeen, I don’t remember. It was Thanksgiving and my parents had just told me to go take a shower before dinner was served. So after my shower I walked into my room with my towel around my waist and shut the door. I don’t know why I didn’t bring my clothes into the bathroom like I usually did. I used to get dressed in there. But, so, anyway, I take the towel off very slow and I start to think…man, I won’t get used to saying these things. I was so fucking stupid. I thought to myself as I stood in my room naked…yeah, okay, I thought, ‘This is what people are like right before they have sex. This is how naked people get when they do it. People tend to do it when they are this naked.’ And…and I saw my body pillow.

“So…God. I felt so ashamed. Okay, I climbed on top of the pillow and started to hump it. I don’t remember who I was thinking of. It could have been that yogurt lady. Or all of the yogurt ladies in the world. I don’t remember. But my cousin opened the door and didn’t turn away when she saw. And…and…

“Excuse me while I go grab some napkins or paper towels or something. It’s very hot in here. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just me. I sweat too much. It’s gross, I know.

“Sorry, everyone. I bet you get that a lot, huh? Messed up people who can barely get anything out without going crazy. Lot of cuckoos, probably.

“So, yeah, my cousin didn’t turn away. I remember right as the door opened that I jumped away from the door off the end of the bed hugging the body pillow. She started to laugh and walk toward me and kept pointing at me. At my wiener that I had covered up with the body pillow. She kept saying things like, ‘What were you doing?” and laughing. Or ‘Let’s see what you’ve been doing,’ and pointing. She made me feel like a zoo animal.

“I guess it’s also weird that she just came in like that instead of leaving. That’s also my fault. A while ago before that, she was probably 14 or 15 and I was probably, what, ten or something. She was staying the night because of her parents were in a bad way or something and in the middle of night she woke me up and got in the bed with me and put her leg around my body. And I just let her do that and went back to sleep. Another time she was in her underwear getting dressed and she ran into my room and pulled her underwear to the side and showed me her…and I just stood there and looked at it because I didn’t know what it was, really. So it’s my fault she thought it was okay to just come and make fun of me while…I just never said anything.

“So anyway, she kept trying to pull the pillow off of me, and that’s when I did probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Jesus, it was so stupid. I told her that it wasn’t what she thought and she didn’t believe me. She started to laugh and point even more and asked me why I was naked and I told her the first thing I could think of. I said… okay you all can laugh. It’s good to laugh at our traumas, right? We all need a sense of humor.

“Okay, I looked at her very seriously and I said, ‘I pooped myself. I pooped myself, Meredith. And I was in the middle of changing.’

“You guys can laugh. It’s okay. I won’t hate you all or anything. I’m just a really screwed up person, I know. I hope you will allow me to laugh at you, too when you talk about the dumb stuff you do.

“So, anyway, she pretended to believe me, which was probably worse. I’m not a good actor. I should have locked the door. I shouldn’t have even done it. I did this all to myself.

“Okay, sorry, just a few more things to say, this won’t take long.

“I still masturbated after that though. I mean, I know how to really do it a year later and what it really was, but, still, I couldn’t stop. I did it about three times a day. Three times a day. I was such a fucking pervert, I know. I did it so much that I couldn’t even have a sexual relationship, I think. One time I was at his Halloween party and this mummy, barely really wrapped, wasn’t really a mummy. There was more skin than bandages. She was really just a walking corpse at that point. But her face was almost completely wrapped and maybe she thought she was ugly or something. I don’t know. Anyway, she came up to me and I guess she was really drunk and I guess she liked my Chris Hansen costume. You know, from To Catch a Predator. I bet you guys wish he was around doing his thing when you were little.

“I loved Chris Hansen when his show was on. I wanted to be like him. I mean…He took the place over. And you could tell he just felt so powerful over those guys that came into those houses. Every time he said ‘Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’ I would just cheer and cheer. He’s such a cool guy.

“But, anyway this mummy girl, she grabbed me and pulled me into the bathroom and started to kiss me and give me a lap dance on the toilet and kept saying to me, ‘Oh, Chris. Talk dirty to me like your transcripts.’ I had made up my own transcripts and would walk up to people, ask them to sit down and demand them to confess. Did you not say, and I quote, ‘You’re a virgin? That’s okay. I specialize in virgins.’ Sir, are you not toughguy69 and did you not say, and I quote, ‘Yes, my dick is pretty big, but nothing you should worry about. Winky face?’

“It was a joke, everyone…

“Tough crowd. I’m sorry. It was funnier at the party, I guess. I’m not that funny. Actually, no one at the party really laughed either, but it felt so good to point a finger at those people and interrogate them. I felt like Chris whenever I did that.

“I didn’t talk dirty at first. I didn’t want to, but she pushed me harder against the toilet and told me ‘Do it.’ So, yeah, I tried to talk dirty like my transcripts to the mummy. And she responded while she was rubbing my wiener. ‘No, Chris, I didn’t say any of that. I only wanted to mentor her.’ Or whatever they say on that show. My penis didn’t react though. I know it’s probably weird to talk about my penis in here since, you know, you all probably hate those by now.

“She noticed how bad I was and laughed at me then walked out of the bathroom. I locked the door and was able to masturbate and finish in less than a minute. I didn’t get it. I didn’t know what’s wrong with me. I was screwed up. I was crazy. And now…

“Please just let me speak. I want to help you all stop being like I was. I know I’m taking up most of the time, but I’m not finished.

“Okay.

“Where was I…

“Another time, this one lady, I don’t even think she was trying to have sex with me. She was just trying to get to know me. She seemed to have some interest. And she was really pretty. But instead of my penis getting stiff, my whole body went stiff and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t talk to her or anything. I just looked away until she walked off. I think she was mad, but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what’s wrong with me. It was stuff like that that made me have no one to hold on to. When I got sad or started to hate myself, sometimes I would lay in my bed and I feel so lonely and sad. I had no one to talk to or just to hold on to, so I guess I held on to my penis. I didn’t really deserve anyone to like me anyway. I was too crazy.

“But I got better. The last time I masturbated was a few days ago. I still masturbate, sure, like anyone else, but I do it normally and not constantly. Now I’m normal.

“I realized that everything I had gone through wasn’t such a big deal. That it’s actually funny if you think about it. We all go through these weird times in our lives. We out grow it. It’s not a big deal.

“I know I wasn’t sexually abused like any of you were. I wasn’t raped by my neighbor’s kid. I wasn’t forced to suck anyone when I was little. I never needed Chris Hansen. None of that stuff happened to me. But I think I sexually abused myself. I mean, I was kind of crazy like some of you probably are. I was affected by something I did. So I guess that’s why I came here. I’ve been through exactly what you’ve been through. I know how you feel. And I got through it. I’m living proof that you can get through it.

“So now you know. And even I feel better. Thanks everyone.