Kids (Holy crap, have you seem the movie "Kids?" It's upsetting.)

Kids is about one girl (Jenny) observing the other girls at a church camp. Some pretend to be older than they are and some actually seem older and have the experience of older girls. Jenny around the same age, but nonetheless, they all seem much older than the protagonist.

As of the good stuff:

I think what comes across really strong in this piece is the sense of chaos. You did a great job at conveying that at the beginning of the story by making all of these different actions go on at the same time. It's also funny (I especially like the bit about the girl shaving her legs on her own bed).

I also really like the setting. I do think you need to make clear where everything is taking place very, very soon though. If you tell us at the very beginning, then we would know the relationship between these kids and Miss Caroline just as quickly. But, yeah, the church camp setting is a very funny one. I really like the bit where the kids comment on the sermon.

As for the suggestions:

I think you need to change Jenna's name though, because it sounds too much like Jenny's.

I don't think Jenny changes enough in the story. She notices the behaviors of the other kids and we don't really get a sense on how their behaviors change her or if they do at all. I think we need to know what kind of effect these "adult" behaviors have on Jenny.

One more thing: how old is Jeremy? Is he a counselor hitting on a 12-year-old? I got this weird vibe from him.

Chase

"Chase" is a story about Caroline (who was supposedly "the good one") turning into nothing but "all shadow" due to her relationship with her boyfriend, Chase.

For the most part, the relationship between Chase and Caroline is pretty convincing. All of the observations in the tatto parlor greatly emphasize their relationship without actually spelling it out. How he looks at smut instead of holding her hand. How he insists that the tattoo she gets (that he decides on as a present) needs to be on her ribs (holy crap). All of that stuff was really, really well done. And you do a good job making sure that the effect their relationship had on Caroline is not only Chase's fault. (Caroline is really stupid, for one. Okay, not stupid, but superficial.)

I also really got a kick of the zombie parallel and the names Caroline gives the other characters. The humor works really well here.

I do think the Caroline's behavior at the end is a little over dramatic. I don't think she needs to have some emotional outburst. The last lines will have the same impact even without the outburst, I feel.
Also, maybe we can get just one positive thing about Chase that will let us know why Caroline was in the relationship for over a year. Or something like that.

Otherwise, really well done!

With Sweat Stripes

A piece about a women whose mother is deaf and has dementia. There is a small conflict between both of them on whether the mother has taken her pills or not.

There is some really wonderful images here. I love the detail that the mother could read lips on people she knew well better than those she didn't know well. The bit on how she retained her muscle memory was also very impactful for me.

I think that this piece isn't a full story yet, though, and just a bunch of bits. There is no real progression, just some instances (that are good) that detail the dementia. How does her mother's dementia actually change Connie? She says that she's taken care of sick people for 25 years, and she's still taking care of a sick person during this piece. What does Connie want? She seems a little bummed out (and with good reason), but she also seems content. You need to make Connie discontent about something. There needs to be a bigger conflict other than whether or not her mom took her pills that day or not. We need a conflict that is central to Connie's character, and right now there is none.

Maybe Connie tries way too hard to make her mother remember everything. She tries to force her mom's disease into submission, and is unable to do so, but keeps at it anyway. Something like that.

(My friend, whose family has a history with dementia, once said that if she would put a bottle of poison on a mantle piece with a note that said, "If you don't remember what is in this, then drink it," just in case she got dementia.)

Oh wow, I just totally ended on a downer didn't I?

Fortune

This is a story about a boy (the voice makes him sound slightly younger than an experienced adult, like an 18 year old) who gets robbed and gets the courage to fight back and run away.

What I liked about this piece was it's humor. It can be very funny. The "it is difficult to be properly intimidated" so he gets angry is a funny and interesting reaction to robbers scratching their ass. "Wants me to have an excellent home invasion experience," is funny as well.

The humor creates a problem though and I think it's a problem with voice. I can't grasp who the character really is. The long sentences detailing the events indicated that he is terrified. He seems truly traumatized in the first full paragraph on page four. But then while all of that stuff is going on, he'll give out some funny observation that undermines the sense of trauma.

On page four after the paragraph I mentioned, there is a bit where the narrator says, "I think that maybe he does not appreciate the gravity of this particular situation" and it's a funny thing to think about after someone has just been shot, but for that to come after a paragraph detailing how terrified the narrator is, this sentence just comes across as weird. I feel like there are two psychologies going on with the narrator. This piece would really stand out if you found a way to make this humor and trauma blend into one unique voice, but as it stands, it's sounds like two.

Beyond the Line

Your story is about Major Issac Adler and his time/decisions/conflicts in the war in Iraq. He wants to get back to his wife, but feels like it's his duty to be part of the war. (It didn't seem like he was exactly forced to go. When he says he has no choice I took that as his sense of duty was so strong that he couldn't make any other decision.) There is another conflict when he refuses to fire missiles at a camp of insurgents near a school. But he stands by his sense of morality this time around, which trumps his duty and gets kicked out of the military.

I think the best thing about your story is how is flows. It flows very well! I actually think that getting a good flow in your story is a very hard thing to do. Your story didn't go on for too long and I didn't feel like it needed more. It seemed like the right amount.

You did a very good job at explaining the mission as well. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to understand what these guys were actually doing because I'm not very good with military jargon/strategies/and things, but I knew what was going on the whole time.

I think the ending, though, gets very preachy. I'm mostly talking about Issac's last speech. It sounded like some After School Special: Military Edition to me. We understand everything that Issac is going to say due to everything we read before, but we get a speech anyway that tells us The Lesson explicitly.

I also had a personal problem with the ending. The main conflict in the story to me was that he wanted to get back to his wife and he does. But I think in a completely wrong way. I don't know. I feel like this story is getting very close to saying something like, "Hey, if you want to go home, just disobey orders and everything will be fine." Now that's not saying that Issac made the wrong decision in disobeying his specific order (It was the right decision), but still his reward at the end of the story is not only going back home, but a trial and possibly a discharge...(The discharge is set up as being a direct way to his reward is what I'm getting at.) Do you know what I mean? I know that this story shows a very specific moment, but I think stories speak further than just their specific moments. And as it stands on the page, I feel like it's getting very close to a message that even Issac would be wary of telling.

This makes me sound like I advocate killing civilians and children, doesn't it?

Now after the workshop, I feel better about the whole thing!

I Found the Rest of the Note Of Rejected Stand Up Material, You Guys (It Was Trapped Under My Left Shoe For Weeks)

• What's the deal with Seinfeld jokes nowadays?! You know the kind that starts off with "What's the deal?!?!!" I mean, what's the deal with those!! What. Is. The. Deal!!!?? (Keep going until the audience gets it.)
• What's the deal with asparagus?!? I mean, they make our pee smell like poop! It's mixing up our smells!!! Get outta town, asparagus and stop mixing up our smells!! Our pee is supposed to smell like pee, okay?!
• I've been thinking a lot lately. (THAT'S THE JOKE, MOMMY IT'S SO GOOD PEOPLE LAUGH AT JUST THAT APPARENTLY THEY DON'T NEED PUNCHLINES but it only works if the audience knows who i am so it doesn't work unless uncle toby is there)
• My dog died the other day because I killed it!!! (I don't know why this one doesn't work. I guess no one understand anticomedy!!!)
• You know that your a redneck if you do you know that your a redneck jokes to your pig wife!! An actual pig, I mean!!! oink oink!!!!
• What's the deal with homework?! I mean, it's WORK we do at HOME! What is that?!! If I wanted to do WORK at HOME i'd live OUTSIDE ON the soccer field!! Because I sometimes ref those!!

That's all mommy, thanks for asking.

Love, Billy "The Cos Jr." Billsby

Curtis and Deangelo

You do a good job of creating characters through dialogue. I think the use of cuttin' words short works for this. (Oh, did I just do that? Mmmm Hmmm) I particularly like the bits of dialogue between the dealer and Curtis. His (Curtis) dialogue makes him sound like a man who thinks he really knows his stuff. ("I've been to a few places before. Some better than this, but Mr. Berry, let me say, I appreciate your ridiculous outfit.") Also the dialogue can be funny, which I always welcome ("Big bastards, like you see on Angus cows").

I also like the idea you're trying to go for. That Vegas makes people do think they normally wouldn't do for the worse. That it has some aura about it that makes people unable to control themselves.

I think these ideas get muffled by the confusion I got while reading the story. I know that there is a dad somewhere. I'm not sure if there are two though. Are Curtis and Deangelo brothers? Who is Bishop? What happened to Curtis bothering people? Are both dads (if there ARE two) in the hospital and one died? These are questions I kept asking myself as I read and I still don't know what is right.

I think it has to do with the dialogue. So good and bad with the dialogue. It does a good job of characterizing Curtis and Deangelo, but all of their conversations are very vague. I understand that they both pretty much know what happened so aren't going to be all, "Hey remember that one time my dad got in that car accident and almost no one died which was a miracle?" But they can't be on the other end of the spectrum and bring in names (Bishop) who we don't know and don't know how they relate to the two main characters and be incredibly vague. So my main suggestion is that you lighten up on the vaguness.

I Just Saw the Best Film of 2011...

...and it's called Take Shelter.

Sorry, Beginners

I remember having to drive my parents home from the theaters after we finished watching United 93. I had a similar reaction to this. It was something I had to recover from. It's super late and I'm not going to go into detail right now, but I definitely will later because Holy Shit was it something.

Brotherly Love

This is a song from a movie about having to let go of more traditional things. (It's actually very tragic, but I still thought it fit with your story.) Is it weird that I like to post a song on these? I don't know, whatever.

What I loved about your story is the chemistry between the family members. It felt like they had actually lived with each other for a long time. They are going through the motions. They know each other and respond like they do. You did a really great job with that. I particularly liked the scene where Samantha throws the package of bandages to William and they have this sarcastic exchange.

I feel that the story is pretty top heavy, though. It's page seven until we get to any real conflict. I think you can either trim the stuff before (which to me is important, setting up the relationships, etc, however the wall of accomplishments can probably go), or you can make all of the stuff before even more important to the story. I think that if you emphasized William's love for his family even more, it will make the decision to move have higher stakes. Job or family? Because in the end, it really is his decision to make and not his brothers.

The ending didn't work for me because I didn't know who Leslie was. All I know is that she proposed something and that they know the two brothers. You definitely need to flesh her out more in my opinion.

Because the chemistry you created between the family members is so good, I think, in further revisions you need to make the central conflict surround that and not just tradition (which is what I think it is on the page now).

Dress Rehearsal

To go along with your story, I thought it would be pertinent to post a song about a failing relationship! Yay!

Dress Rehearsal seems to be about Kate and her search for her own identity. Her sister seems to be delaying her self-actualization or something along those lines, but Kate takes care of her anyway. All of this is surrounded by the play Kate is in and the future prom.

You're very very good with dialogue. I really like the exchange between Diana and Sean in the auditorium. The "actually you have the same chin" line works in more ways than one. It's funny and shows a lot about Sean. Each character has their own different voice and their own different issues they want to discuss. I would be careful on how you present the dialogue though. There are moments where there is a bit of dialogue that's part of a larger paragraph, and sometimes I got confuses as to who was speaking. Page four, for instance: "Marching right up to the driver's side, he rapped on the window until Diana rolled it down. 'Wanna go to prom with me?' " Since you mention both Sean and Diana in the last sentence, the dialogue could have gone to either one of them. And since Diana was last mentioned, I thought it was her, but I don't think it really was after I thought about it.

To me, though, there doesn't seem to be too much tension. There is definitely room for tension, but I don't think it's there on the page yet. There's definitely supposed to be tension between Sean and Kate, but I don't know enough about their relationship to know the stakes of the decision she is asked to make. I just know they are best friends. I know that Kate has a problem with self-identity (which, having a twin brother, I can really really relate to) because of her sister ("My math teacher called me Diana again"), but we don't know how much it really effects her. My guess is not much because she still wants to help out her sister as much as she can, and in the end. Incidentally, I really wanted you to explore that to a much larger extent. I found that aspect of her really interesting.

The Truth Behind the Window

I'm just putting songs on here. You can listen to it if you want! This one is really good, I think.

This is about Christina, a suburban wife, poorly compensating for her unsatisfactory life by looking at the unsatisfactory lives of others in her neighborhood.

There are some good and funny situations in here. The air headed guy who loses his keys and, instead of getting in the car to stay dry, he just sits in the rain and gets soaked. The stuck up girl being, well, stuck up and unaware of how things work. (I do think Christina was acting a being a little harsh towards her. I mean, she's just a little kid. She doesn't know better. The father shouldn't be such a push over, though.) And I also like the image of all of the birthday stuff being on the side of the road as a brag.

My main problem with TTBTW, though, is Christina is such a passive character that it's frustrating. She does nothing but sit there and look at people the entire story. While the neighbors are being active, Christina is your main character and should be more active than them. The story has no propulsion because of it. There is a moment where the story says that there was no reason for Christina to leave her spot next to the window, but I think you need to make a reason for her to leave. Get her out of her comfort zone. That's where I see the conflict and tension arising.

Another way she's passive is with the relationship with Theo. He's mean to her and she just goes, "Whatever you say, dear." As it stands, I don't feel that Christina has totally earned her numbness. I think we need specifics at what got her to this state of mind. Did her first child die crossing the street and the husband fake cry? I don't know, that's a bad example, but we need something. All we are given is that she believes her expectations don't meet reality.

The voice is also very disorienting. It starts off pretty formal and omniscient, but then really informal phrases will pop up and make it sound like a biased character's voice. Make sure you keep it consistent.

Hope this helps and if you listened to the song, I hoped you liked it!

Why You Need to Check Out Portlandia

The Dress is Water - Off

That's just something I want to put in these now. Just things I've been listening to.

Anyway, reading Amiee Bender's story made me realize where to take my next story. I've been trying to write it using only Facebook statuses, but it's proving very difficult, especially since I want to get some human emotion out of my characters (which doesn't happen on Facebook, unfortunately), but now I think I'd like to try the way that Aimee has written her story for it.

She's really great at giving the reader little bits of information throughout her story that show who the narrator really is. I really hope some people don't think the narrator is a bitch, because I felt like the whole story was doing it's best to show that she isn't a bitch, just "screwed UP."

From what I gathered, she never had the chance to grow up because she inherited tons of money at a very early age. She craves attention, but attention that will keep her distant from anyone that sees her (The dog, the closet). She judges everyone around her, but because there's a sense of self-loathing. She's afraid to be alone, but can't help but distance herself. The part where she says she's alone, there's a line about buying the mascara that promised not to smear. That was a wonderful character moment because that's where I realized that she was crying at that moment and actually cries quite frequently.

Bender did what I really want to do. She created a character that could be viewed as selfish and bitchy, but by the end I wanted to hug her her tell her everything would be all right. But maybe I'm just a sympathizer. I felt like the decisions that the two kids made in "The Love of My Life" weren't entirely monstrous, but misguided and sad. Even though what they did was terrible, I can't criticize them for it.

Because I Love Movies and Because I Love Lists of Them

My friends always demand that I make a list of my favorite films of the year, and I typically do, but this year I felt  that, because I hadn't been able to see a lot of them and because (to be honest) the few that I did see barely ever got past the "eh, that was alright" level of admiration, I never did.

But hey, I finally made one now, on a blog that can be seen by more than just them (but probably won't) and this is in no order (except the last one is my favorite because that's where you're supposed to put your favorite. At the bottom.). I usually don't recommend anything to anyone when it's not asked for because who really cares, but whatever, I recommend these.



Midnight in Paris - Featuring characters like, Earnest Hemingway, The Fitzgeralds, and Owen Wilson as Woody Allen, because of course he is.

Insidious - It's a haunted house movie that turns into a possession movie that turns into an...astral projection movie? Scared me in ways that weren't just cheap jump scares, (and there are jump scares, but far from cheap), but through images and just creepiness.





The Future - I hope this is still in Redbox. Very surreal look at the fears of being stuck in a mid-life crisis (which, with the way I described it, probably make it sound really lame and boring).

Hannah - Just really fun and looks great. Some people (my dad) can't get over the fact that there is a small girl crushing stronger older men, but I think they miss the point that the whole thing is supposed to be a techno-y fairy tale.



The Tree of Life - While on seeing it a second time and thinking the second half really drags, I still think the first hour is probably the best thing to come out in years. Seriously a poem caught on film. A lot of people call it ambitious, but I'd rather just call it Malickian.

The Muppets - That is me, pictured on the left, as I watch The Muppets for the first time.















Drive - While I'm not as crazy about it as some people are (I think the story is actually pretty bland) and I'm in the camp that thinks it blew its load in the first ten minutes, I can't deny it has a strong style that I really love and is extremely well made.

Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows: Part 2 - I was stunned that I actually felt like there were stakes in this one. To me, there were about zero stakes in the previous 7 movies. But the fact that I was legitimately excited/thrilled/worried/tense during this movie says a lot. Maybe having the final battle take up about an hour and a half helped that. Another surprisingly fun one.

Beginners - My favorite film of the year. About how different generations go about life/love/relationships. Also relationships during depression. Some of my favorite movies ever deal with human connection (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Lost in Translation, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (...that last one was a joke, but I do like it)), and this one probably deserves to be among them (I won't commit it to that status yet. I only saw it two months ago).

One of Many Responses to "The Love of My Life" or "Crying to Sleep is Okay, I Guess"

The first thing that grabbed me about Boyle's story was the voice. After finishing it, I read (at least the first two paragraphs--damn subscriptions) the article that inspired Boyle. And the voice here seems to have this informal reporting tone. Especially in parts on page 139. "What else? The rain, of course. It came midway through the third day...And the sex. They were careful...always careful." Even if I felt like the voice was just reporting on events, it still brought in the subjective view of China and Jeremy with instances like, "He would be there for her no matter what, but why did she have to be so stupid?"

The voice being this informal reporting of a subjective view makes me question sentences like, "...they kissed whenever they met, no matter where or when, even if one of them had just stepped out of the room, because that was love, that was the way love was..."

It's a really great way for me to understand how Boyle wants me to view this relationship without actually saying, "Hey guys, young love is pretty shallow. So when Jeremy and China say they're in love, just put an asterisk next to that, okay?" 

And Holy Crap, I need to take a thing or two from this guy's use of imagery. It's really great. "...like kissing a steak through a plastic wrapper." Man, that's a good one.

Also, capitalizing dumpster  showed so much about Jeremy's character. While at first the voice shows no trauma from the event that affected Jeremy and denies that he knew the baby was alive, having dumpster capitalized showed me that he actually was traumatized in a way. It became that thing we don't talk about. It become something more significant than it was letting on. I think that was excellent.

Lot to learn here.

A Stressful Update on the Progress of My Second Story

Hey I know. I want to write a short story using only Facebook status updates. This should be fun.

Alright, let's get started. This shouldn't be too hard. I can just make fun of the whole thing.

Well, no, it can't just be a joke thing. You need something insightful. The form must compliment the message you want to bring.

Hey I know. I want to write a short story using only Facebook status updates. This should be very difficult. What's wrong with you.

What am I doing. Does this make any sense at all? Faaaarrrrrrtttt

It will not be a gimmick. It will not be a gimmick. It will not be a gimmick.

This is One of Many Responses to Cole and His Story

Cole’s story is about two college students who try their best to force a different lifestyle onto themselves. The comedy comes from both characters pretending to be “manly” when really all they are are still just kids. On their trip to become the mannest of all the men, their hubris and their lack of awareness cause them to burn down the cabin that they were staying in. 

The concept of the piece is a great one, I think. It’s a very funny idea and you do use humor throughout. I especially like the timing of the bastard line. The confusion of man-speak of bro-speak (or the fact there is such a thing) is also very funny. While I didn’t like the last half of the line, I think the “Well this morning after my mom woke me up…” is the quintessential line here. It shows the complete lack of awareness between the characters.

While the humor does work, I think that that’s all it’s there for. I don’t see any of it contributing to any progression in the story. While, of course, you can have funny lines and stuff that don’t progress the story, there still needs to be progression somewhere. I feel like you have a good, humorous concept, but a story that doesn’t show any growth. As it stands right now, this story is just watching two unaware characters in funny situations. It’s all set up to the last punch line. 

I think we need to know what the characters feel about themselves after the trip. Do they take the burning of the cabin as a badge of manliness, something to boast about? Or do they run back home with their tails between their legs? I feel like knowing their thoughts on the matter can give us more to think about in terms of what these characters really think being a man is. Whether they still think it matters.

Another thing is that is takes a very long time to actually get to where the reader wants to go. The set up to get to the cabin is longer than the actions in the cabin itself. It takes to the end of page five to actually get the cabin. We need to get to the cabin much much sooner. Like page one or at most page two sooner.

Also here is the ending that I thought the whole thing was careening towards:
"As Conner and I watched the meteor shower as well as the fire from the cabin light up the night sky, we embraced and made sweet, sweet manly love."

A Note I Found on the Ground Titled "A Few Rejected Stand Up Bits"

It should be noted at everything that seems out of place, a misspelled word, or anything like that has an assumed [sic] after it.

Dear Father and Mommy,

These are some bits that for SOME reason (I don't know why!!!) didn't get the guffaws or tee hees or hahahas that they DESERVED!!!!

• I mean, what's the deal with urinal cakes? It's not like you can eat them!!! Or that they have chocolate frosting on them!!! At least not if you're using it right!!! (Wink at audience wacka wacka)
• I bet the distinction between short films and feature films was created for the porn industry. I mean, I bet there were conversations like, "How did he win the Best Male Lead Percumance? His movie was only 15 minutes long! I was in an 83 minute movie! Do you know how much sex I had to go through? I really wish there was a time that distinguished the line between short and long!" or "I was in a porn film once. The lead." (with a mocking face) "Pff, who cares." "It was feature length." (shock) "Ooooohhh, I'm impressed now!"
• I mean, what's the deal with toilets? We put pee and poop in those!!!!
• (Pick out fat person in audience and point to him (best if it's a girl!!). make sure everyone can see hiM!! Bring him on stage if you have to!!) Hey (wo)man, (don't forget to point and poke at his (her) fat!!) you are fat! You have it and you are it! Man, go exercise or something! (Mommy: this one offends people! I guess you can talk about aids or cancer but you can't talk about obesity!!!)
• (You have to play an instrument for this one. For some reason, instruments are funny!) I had a headphones and then they broke two days later. I looked at the warranty and it said one day!! So I couldn't return it! What has a one day warranty?!?! (Make sure you don't give the audience room to answer the question and say stuff like, "you're act" or "me with your mom" (sorry mommy))
• I mean, what's the deal with lawn mowers?! Is that all they do is cut grass?!! That's like watching paint dry!
• I think we should give paint drying a break and make the most boring thing something else!!!

The note breaks off from there. I don't know where the rest is.