A Note I Found on the Ground Titled "A Few Rejected Stand Up Bits"

It should be noted at everything that seems out of place, a misspelled word, or anything like that has an assumed [sic] after it.

Dear Father and Mommy,

These are some bits that for SOME reason (I don't know why!!!) didn't get the guffaws or tee hees or hahahas that they DESERVED!!!!

• I mean, what's the deal with urinal cakes? It's not like you can eat them!!! Or that they have chocolate frosting on them!!! At least not if you're using it right!!! (Wink at audience wacka wacka)
• I bet the distinction between short films and feature films was created for the porn industry. I mean, I bet there were conversations like, "How did he win the Best Male Lead Percumance? His movie was only 15 minutes long! I was in an 83 minute movie! Do you know how much sex I had to go through? I really wish there was a time that distinguished the line between short and long!" or "I was in a porn film once. The lead." (with a mocking face) "Pff, who cares." "It was feature length." (shock) "Ooooohhh, I'm impressed now!"
• I mean, what's the deal with toilets? We put pee and poop in those!!!!
• (Pick out fat person in audience and point to him (best if it's a girl!!). make sure everyone can see hiM!! Bring him on stage if you have to!!) Hey (wo)man, (don't forget to point and poke at his (her) fat!!) you are fat! You have it and you are it! Man, go exercise or something! (Mommy: this one offends people! I guess you can talk about aids or cancer but you can't talk about obesity!!!)
• (You have to play an instrument for this one. For some reason, instruments are funny!) I had a headphones and then they broke two days later. I looked at the warranty and it said one day!! So I couldn't return it! What has a one day warranty?!?! (Make sure you don't give the audience room to answer the question and say stuff like, "you're act" or "me with your mom" (sorry mommy))
• I mean, what's the deal with lawn mowers?! Is that all they do is cut grass?!! That's like watching paint dry!
• I think we should give paint drying a break and make the most boring thing something else!!!

The note breaks off from there. I don't know where the rest is.