This is One of Many Responses to Cole and His Story

Cole’s story is about two college students who try their best to force a different lifestyle onto themselves. The comedy comes from both characters pretending to be “manly” when really all they are are still just kids. On their trip to become the mannest of all the men, their hubris and their lack of awareness cause them to burn down the cabin that they were staying in. 

The concept of the piece is a great one, I think. It’s a very funny idea and you do use humor throughout. I especially like the timing of the bastard line. The confusion of man-speak of bro-speak (or the fact there is such a thing) is also very funny. While I didn’t like the last half of the line, I think the “Well this morning after my mom woke me up…” is the quintessential line here. It shows the complete lack of awareness between the characters.

While the humor does work, I think that that’s all it’s there for. I don’t see any of it contributing to any progression in the story. While, of course, you can have funny lines and stuff that don’t progress the story, there still needs to be progression somewhere. I feel like you have a good, humorous concept, but a story that doesn’t show any growth. As it stands right now, this story is just watching two unaware characters in funny situations. It’s all set up to the last punch line. 

I think we need to know what the characters feel about themselves after the trip. Do they take the burning of the cabin as a badge of manliness, something to boast about? Or do they run back home with their tails between their legs? I feel like knowing their thoughts on the matter can give us more to think about in terms of what these characters really think being a man is. Whether they still think it matters.

Another thing is that is takes a very long time to actually get to where the reader wants to go. The set up to get to the cabin is longer than the actions in the cabin itself. It takes to the end of page five to actually get the cabin. We need to get to the cabin much much sooner. Like page one or at most page two sooner.

Also here is the ending that I thought the whole thing was careening towards:
"As Conner and I watched the meteor shower as well as the fire from the cabin light up the night sky, we embraced and made sweet, sweet manly love."